Can I Come Home?
by cpdfan4
Summary: Linstead one shot to release my frustration after the deleted scene from 4x18 was released. Please read, review, and enjoy :)


_Hi loves. This show just frustrates me a lot, and then things like this happen. I began to write this this immediately following the release of the deleted scene (let me know why they cut that, by the way) and I like the first half a lot, but then I stopped and lost momentum and I'm not really a fan of the ending but I hope it's satisfactory. Thank you for reading, as always. Leave a review if ya can :) xo_

 _Still don't own anything._

She needed to get out of there. It was not the time or place for the inevitable breakdown she felt coming on as looked into the love of her life's uncharacteristically dark, defeated, and exhausted eyes. She couldn't burden him more and make him worry about her on top of everything else he had going on; she needed him to believe that she was as fine as she was pretending to be. So Erin made some lame, but valid, excuse about needing to go get Sarah checked into her rehab facility. To focus on the person who was letting her help them.

As soon as she walked past Jay and knew he could no longer see her face, she felt the all too familiar stinging of tears filling her eyes, and when she heard him call her back once again she wasn't even sure if she'd be able to turn around. But then she heard his broken voice tell her that he'd called the Veteran's Resource Office and her heart both swelled with pride and broke into a million more pieces simultaneously and she swallowed the lump in her throat as she turned to face him.

When Erin turned back around, Jay's heart dropped even deeper into the pits of his stomach. His beautiful girl, who he wanted to protect more than anything in this world, was crying because of him. Dear god, he did not deserve her. Why was he doing this to her? He hated himself more than anything, but he continued to speak because he wanted, no – he _needed_ – her to know that he was trying. That he was going to do everything possible in his power to get home to her and her pillows and their messy apartment as soon as humanly possible.

"They put me in touch with a peer support group. I've been going once a week," he told her, trying to keep his voice from cracking again.

He watched her process his words and didn't miss the way she had to blink back tears or how the smile she tried to give him didn't reach her eyes or even display a dimple. "That's really great, Jay," she whispered, unable to find her voice through the tears. She was proud of him, so damn proud. She knew how hard this was for him and how much he hated asking for help, but everything just hurt so much right now.

Tears threatened to fall from both of their eyes and Erin knew that she couldn't watch him start to cry, nor could she let him see her cry, so she turned back around in her efforts to get to Sarah. Her rush was unnecessary, she knew, as both Burgess and a uniform had offered to drop Sarah off at the facility. She also knew she shouldn't walk into Sarah's holding room with these tears in her eyes and in her current emotional state but she just needed to get out of the break room. A place that even just a month ago had been one of her favorite places, the home of so many sweet memories with Jay; from flirty banter to stolen kisses to move-in proposals and retirement planning. But more recently, she'd been avoiding that room like the plague in an (clearly failed) attempt to avoid a situation like she'd found herself in tonight.

Erin breathed a sigh of relief as she crossed the threshold into the bullpen and the room where Sarah was waiting for her came into view, a sympathetic Burgess standing outside the door and looking at Erin with so much pity in her eyes that the older detective wanted to scream.

"Erin," she hadn't taken two steps into the bullpen when she heard Jay's broken voice again. The tears were streaming down her face at full force now, and she looked down the hall to Kim in a panic. She couldn't turn around and let him see her like this.

 _Turn around,_ Kim mouthed, knowing they both needed this, even if neither of them could comprehend that right now. Erin's eyes widened in a panic. She couldn't do this right now. He couldn't see her like this; she had to be the strong one now. And there was no way in hell she would be able to look at him and not run to him and jump in his arms and never let go again if he was crying right now.

"Erin," Burgess moved from her post outside of Sarah's door and gently placed her hands on Erin's shoulders. "He needs you so bad right now," she said quietly, glancing past Erin and into the break room at her other defeated colleague. "I'm going to take Sarah, okay? You have more important things to figure out tonight."

Erin just nodded, the knot in her throat too tight for words to come out of her mouth. Kim pushed her shoulder gently and she turned around and walked back into the break room, shutting the door behind her, eyes glued to the floor and unable to look at Jay yet.

"I just…" When Jay's strangled voice began speaking again, Erin forced herself to look up into his red eyes. "Tomorrow's group… it's a family thing… we're supposed to talk about why we're seeking help and the people who are helping us, and a lot of the guys said their wives or families were coming to hear them speak… and I just… I know things are weird right now and it's all my fault but is there any way you could come with me?"

Erin had no idea what she had been expecting him to say when he'd called her back, but it wasn't that. Her heart was pounding so hard she wouldn't be surprised if Jay could hear it at that moment and it took everything in her not to pull him into her arms at this moment.

"Jay," she breathed.

"You don't have to if you don't want to. I know-" he began to interrupt her and Erin shook her head, losing her battle of self-control and reaching out to lay a hand on his chest.

"Hey," she quieted him, and then took a moment to swallow the lump in her throat so she could continue to speak. "When I said always, I meant it. And when I told you that I could handle anything, when I said that I would help you carry anything you need; I meant that too. Of course I'll be there. You never have to ask me that."

Jay knew he shouldn't say it. He wasn't even sure if he had the right to say it at this moment. But as he listened to Erin's words and reveled in the warmth from her hand over his heart, there were only three words in his mind. "I love you,"

He heard Erin's sharp intake of breath as she removed her hand from his chest to wipe her eyes. "I love you too. Always," she promised again, standing on her toes to press a kiss to his cheek.

An awkward silence filled the room and Erin took a step towards the break room door to leave for what felt like the hundredth time that night. "I'll see you tomorrow. Text me the address?" she asked softly, her hand on the doorknob.

Jay wanted her to stay more than anything. No, scratch that, he wanted to go home with her. To their apartment where he could just lay in their bed and he could throw all of her pillows on the floor and just hold her. Just hold her and bury his head in her coconut-scented hair and feel her pepper sweet, sleepy kisses across his chest. But instead he just nodded. "It's at noon. Weekend sessions are earlier, I hope that's okay-"

"Jay," Erin stopped his rambling again. "I'll be there," she whispered before turning around once again; this time finally making her way out of the district.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

By the time 11:00 rolled around the following morning, Erin was a nervous wreck. She was so thankful Jay was letting her in, but she had no idea what this afternoon would entail. She had promised him that she could handle whatever he threw at her and she just prayed to God that she could keep that promise.

As she got ready, she found herself putting on extra mascara and searching her closet for the perfect outfit. She almost laughed at herself; she was going to her long-time boyfriend's PTSD support group, not on some first date, but this seemed more important than any date could ever be. When she finally found her favorite maroon leather jacket, she slipped it on and looked around the room, wondering what sassy comment Jay would make about the clothing explosion on the bedroom floor if he were here. She let out a sigh, hoping today was a step in the right direction to actually get him back here. She glanced at the clock and saw that it was 11:30, so she grabbed her purse and keys and headed down to her car, not wanting to be late.

She found a parking spot right across the street from the building at 11:52 and smiled when she saw Jay's car just a few spots down. She crossed the street and entered the lobby, immediately spotting Jay talking to a man who was holding a young girl.

She quietly walked up to them and placed a hand on Jay's back, not wanting to interrupt but making her presence known. To her surprise, he wrapped an arm around her shoulder and placed a kiss in her hair. "Hey," he said softly. "Thank you for coming,"

It took Erin a moment to gather herself after his unexpected greeting, but she reached up to grab his hand that was around her shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. "I wouldn't miss it," she whispered back.

"Er, this is Mike and his daughter Emily. Mike, Emily, this is my girlfriend Erin," Jay introduced them, keeping his hold on Erin; needing both the physical comfort and just to be holding his girl for the first time in what felt like forever.

"I've heard a lot about you," Mike smiled, reaching out to shake Erin's hand.

Erin raised her eyebrows curiously and was about to respond when an older woman entered the lobby of the building. "We're going to get started, everyone," she announced, gesturing for everyone to enter the room where the session was being held. Jay let Erin out of his hold but placed a hand on the small of her back, leading her into a smaller room where there were chairs and a podium set up.

"I know it's set up a little differently in here today, but I'm so glad to see everyone brought important people in your lives. Let's have a seat so we can get started," the woman said and Jay led Erin to a pair of empty chairs in the first row.

"I know all of the veterans know who I am, but for the family members in the audience today, my name is Ellen and I'm the therapist who has been working with your loved ones. Every soldier in here is an amazing person and it's an honor to finally get to see some of the people they talk so highly about. Our session last Wednesday was all about support systems so it's only fitting that we have this presentation today to meet the wonderful support systems and for you all to hear what an impact you've made. Thank you all for being here, let's get started."

There were eight veterans in the group, and each one's story gave Erin more chills than the last. Being the newest member of the group, Jay had told Erin that he would be speaking last and throughout the entire group he sat next to her, bouncing his knee uncontrollably. Finally, Erin reached over and placed a hand on his thigh. "It's okay," she whispered. "Nothing you could say could make me love you any less,"

Jay's already glazed eyes filled with another batch of tears at her words. He placed a hand over hers on his leg, wondering why he'd ever thought pushing this beautiful human away was the solution to his problems.

"And last but not least, we have Jay Halstead. Jay is a veteran from the 75th Ranger Regiment who served in Afghanistan." Ellen introduced and Jay reluctantly removed his hand from Erin's and stood up, making his way to the front of the room.

As soon as he reached the podium, his eyes immediately found Erin once again; she already had tears streaming down her cheeks. This was going to be rough.

"Hey everyone," Jay's voice cracked two words in and Erin wanted nothing more than to run up to the front of the room and hug him tight and never let go. But she knew he needed to get this out, and God knew she needed to hear it. "As Ellen said, I'm Jay. I've been back from Afghanistan for about 9 years now, but I've only been coming to group for a few weeks. I did three tours overseas and when I got back from the last one, I was in a really bad place. My mom died of cancer a few weeks after I got back, then about a month after that a really good friend of mine went back for another tour and was killed in action. I didn't really have anyone to turn to, so I started drinking. A lot. None of my buddies really knew how to cope, so we just used alcohol to forget. I had no family at the time, nothing to live for, so I didn't really see a problem with it. About a year after I came home, another one of my friends was killed and I went to Vegas for his funeral. There was this girl named Abby, she ran cultural support during my last tour in Kandahar, and I saw her at the funeral for the first time since coming home. I was blackout, she was blackout, and we were grieving. Again. So we got married."

There was a collective gasp from the audience and Jay paused to wipe his eyes. "It was a 24 hour thing, I literally signed the divorce papers the next day. Somewhere along the line, the grieving got easier. I stopped drinking as much and joined the police academy, but uh, never really addressed my issues. Just kind of pushed them down and ignored them, but God they were still there. A few weeks ago… Abby showed up in Chicago and stirred up a lot of unresolved issues. Then she told me that she never signed the divorce papers, so technically I was still married. That day… I felt like I was transported back nine years. I realized I had nothing figured out, nothing was resolved. It's all still so real and these past few weeks have been the hardest of my life," Jay paused again to collect himself and Erin had to physically wrap her legs around the leg of her chair to stop herself from running up to him. She could handle a lot of things – including every word coming out of his mouth – but seeing Jay cry was _not_ one of them.

"But uh, after she came back, I realized that all of my problems weren't behind me and I could see myself potentially turning back into the person who I was back then. And I'm not proud of that person and I never want to be anything like that again, so I needed to get help. So I called the Veteran's Resource Office and here I am," Jay took another deep breath.

"Jay," Ellen interrupted gently. "What made you decide to fight your demons this time?"

Jay looked into the small audience and made eye contact with Erin for the first time since the very beginning of his speech. Her eyes were still glossed over with tears but she wore an unmistakable look of pure pride all over her face and it gave him the courage to continue.

"There's this girl," Jay began, a smile gracing his face for the first time in what felt like ages. "She's the love of my life. And since the day we met, all I've ever wanted to do was protect her and I knew, I still know, that her seeing me like this – it destroys her. And the thought of that destroys me. I just need to get better, to learn how to deal with this, so I can be who she needs me to be. She's taught me so much about love and trust and how to break down walls and open up to someone and I just want to feel worthy of her love again, because right now I'm not. I don't deserve anything right now. And I kept telling her I needed time and space to figure everything out, but I finally realized I wasn't going to be able to do it on my own this time and it wasn't worth it to try to; I'd lose so much more than I would gain. I can honestly say that she's the only reason I'm here today; she's the person I'm fighting for. I know that if I didn't have her, I'd easily be back in a dingy bar drinking it away all over again. But I'm so thankful for her and her patience with me as I try to figure it all out and I would never be able to do it without her,"

He stopped again to compose himself and this time, Erin lost all self-control. She stood from her metal chair in the front row and strode to the podium, arms wide open. As soon as she reached Jay, she threw her arms around his neck and squeezed him tight, feeling his hot tears wet her neck. "I am so proud of you," she whispered in his ear.

He squeezed her back as tight as he could, reveling in the feeling of having his girl fully back in his arms for the first time in weeks, not caring about the circumstances or the audience.

"I love you so much," she continued quietly, "and you never have to worry about not being worthy of my love. You deserve the world. Always."

Jay just nodded, at a loss for words, and finally pulled away to look out of the audience. All of his friends from group and their families had smiles plastered to their faces, overjoyed to see Jay finally figuring it out. He kept an arm wrapped around Erin as he moved back over to the podium. "This is my girlfriend, Erin," he said lamely, now unsure how to wrap up his speech. Mike was the first to stand and soon the entire audience was giving Jay a standing ovation.

Ellen stood from her seat and moved to the podium, motioning for Jay and Erin to sit back down. "Thank you, Jay. That was beautiful. I want to thank everyone for sharing today and to thank all of the family members and loved ones who came out to hear our men speak. This isn't easy for any of them and seeing the progress of these heroes makes my job the most rewarding, but know they couldn't do it without you, as we heard today. Vets, I'll see you all on Wednesday. Have a great weekend,"

Erin still had tears in her eyes when her and Jay reached her car. "I'm seriously so proud of you," she whispered again, her voice once again missing.

Jay just hugged her again. "Thank you for coming, Er. I know we've been working a lot and there's probably a lot you needed-"

"Jay," she shut down his rambling. "Don't shut down again. Don't minimize this. This is huge, and I am so, so proud of you and this is the only place I needed to be today."

"I love you." Before Jay knew what he was doing, he had Erin pinned against her car as he captured her lips in a long, slow kiss for the first time since Abby had returned. Time seemed to stop as he pulled her closer, losing himself in the nearly forgotten feeling of her soft lips and the taste of her vanilla chapstick. He finally pulled away when all he could taste was the saltwater from her tears. "I know I said I needed time, but God, Er, I was so wrong,"

"What do you mean?" she asked quietly, keeping her face just inches away from his.

"I don't need time, Erin. I just need you. I need this," he pecked her lips again. "Can I come home?" Everything had clicked so suddenly when he stood at that podium and looked into the proud, loving eyes of his supportive girl.

Erin felt a new batch of tears enter her eyes at his question. _How the hell did she have so many damn tears?_ "You never have to ask me that question," she said softly, nodding her head anyway.

"Thank you," Jay hugged her again, squeezing her tight. He wouldn't be surprised if he broke one of her ribs today, but he couldn't let her go. He had so much lost time to make up for. "I have to stop at Will's to grab my stuff, but meet me at Purple Pig? I think I owe you truffles," Jay smiled for the second time that day in an effort to get back to normalcy with her; the one thing he knew that would help him more than anything in the world.

"Jay, I just cried out an entire ocean," Erin motioned to her red eyes and tear-stained cheeks. "I can't go out in public. I'll pick up a pizza on the way home. I just want it to be the two of us. In _our_ apartment. I want you to talk to me. I want to talk to you. I've missed you so much,"

Jay just shook his head. "You're beautiful. But that sounds perfect."

Erin rolled her eyes. "Go get your stuff. Don't keep me waiting any longer." She playfully pushed him in the direction of his car, eager for him to finally be home cuddling with her in their bed and hopefully letting her into that beautiful head of his.

Jay smiled over his shoulder as he walked towards his car, thankful for everything he'd figured out in the past few weeks, especially the last 24 hours. He had felt so hopeless when he'd gone to talk to Erin in the break room the night before but he was so thankful his girl had agreed to come today. He was finally ready to let her in and he took comfort in the fact that he knew she was not going _anywhere._ He sped to Will's to grab his bag, excited beyond words to finally get home into his girl's arms and let her help him. 


End file.
